By Mark and Melissa Carilli

www.fearnochild.com

When a child is learning how to speak, we teach them what we want them to say, either by demonstrating or showing them. For an autistic child, this teaching does not stop with simple words. Our autistic children need to be taught many of the things that other children know simply by watching. Emotions or feelings are learned much like “normal” children learn math. This is why parents who have autistic kids become translators for their child’s world.

When William or David entered a crowded room as young children, they would either hit themselves or begin screaming loudly. We needed to pull them from the environment and process it with them quietly. “William, do you feel a funny feeling in your stomach? David, did your heart start beating really fast? Did you feel all sweaty? Yeah honey, that’s called being nervous or anxious. When you feel that way, you need to go to your teacher, or Mommy and Daddy and say ‘I feel nervous’ then we can help you out.” By learning their language, we were able to teach them how to put acceptable words and coping methods to their emotions rather than using their language of inappropriate actions. We could also explain their odder behaviors to their teachers so that they could help too. We essentially taught them our language. We also became translators around people who didn’t know their language, or simply didn’t understand.

As these translators, we are put under great scrutiny. We have had protective services called on numerous occasions because someone did not understand our children. In the end, on each occasion, once the Social workers took the time to understand our children’s language and differences, they were satisfied that these were miscommunications caused by a language barrier.

Children who come to our country who do not speak English are placed into groups to teach them how our language and culture work. We teach them in their language to understand ours. We grant them the opportunity to learn what we take for granted. We don’t create behavioral plans for these children. We do not punish them for not understanding our basic language. We do not ostracize them for their lack of understanding; we embrace their differences and work with them to help them learn our culture and language.

As the arrogance of our country consumes our lives, we do things such as speaking slowly to a person who does not speak English. We take an upper hand to someone of difference by speaking to them as if they are incapable of understanding, not just unable to understand what we have said. If you were suddenly dropped in the middle of a Spanish speaking country and asked to use the bathroom, would you want the person to laugh at you, acting as though you were simple or ‘stupid’? What would you do next? Would you hold yourself? Would you give visual cues of your needs? And this Spaniard may laugh at your ignorance of his country, language etc. How would you feel? How would you cope with this?

Autism may not be a country. It may not really be a language of its own, but it might just as well be. Our kids are unable to understand the language cues that other kids do, so why should we treat them as if they are incapable instead of teaching them as if they are from a different place? Are they mentally slow or just mentally different? Are children from other countries mentally slow or mentally different? They have learned differently, it is not that they have not learned at all. Yet the school’s single our special children out. They move them into self contained classrooms, or “special” schools. What about least restrictive environment? Do these children of difference need a different environment or simply a different approach?

Education of our children needs to start with finding the common language that they speak. Once the educators get past this first hurdle, the rest will be much easier for them to understand.

Once our children go to school, they are grouped with these children who have learned the social cues that hold their language together. Autistic children cannot compete with this linguistic edge and fall behind. Teachers and Paras expect these children of difference to speak the same language while the parents and caregivers continue to speak autistically. Children with autism use physical cues, sounds, motions and other words to describe their feelings, thoughts and ideas. Our job as parents of “children of difference” is to educate and advocate. We must educate the educators in the ways of our children. Your kids may be different than mine. Their language may have a different dialect, but we are still on the same track. Teach your children’s teachers what your child’s language is. If they don’t listen, bring it to PPT. Make the changes that are needed.

We have done a lot of work with William to teach him the words that apply for various emotions. It has always astounded (and frustrated) us that there is one emotion that we have been unable to teach and that is the emotion of embarrassment.

How wonderful it must be to not have that emotion! You don’t care what you say to someone or how you act in public. It is amazing, but socially inappropriate. We continue to battle this even though he is now an adult. Where we were once able to explain to people that he doesn’t understand the concept and therefore does not know how to curtail these things, he is now out in the “real world” where we cannot translate for him. He is now in a world that he must navigate on his own.